That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
