I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
sarcasm needs its own font
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
