I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i came on her dog
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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