He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
