when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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