Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
