i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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