Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
