we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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