Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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