We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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