Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
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