i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
