please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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