So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize