He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
