So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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