I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
