shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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