Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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