i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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