you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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