I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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