P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
