Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You're like the curious george of whores
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
