I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I woke up under a house in Key West
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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