He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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