My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
