don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
