Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
