I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
