you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
