I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Randomize
