Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
