I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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