Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
