Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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