found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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