I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
