At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
