pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize