Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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