On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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