Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
There's always time for handjobs
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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