Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
