"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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