Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
