Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
