So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
