Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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