I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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