Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
