Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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