Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Randomize
