And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
pray to the hookup gods
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
