There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
